Trauma & Grief

** Trigger warning - Visualizations, EMDR therapy

As we approach the 2nd anniversary of my mom's passing, I keep thinking about one of the most confusing parts of grief for me. You know they're gone, but at the same time you can't comprehend it. For me, I felt like people would think I was crazy or in denial if I shared this, so I kept it to myself. This led to some challenging visualizations and trains of thought, I think as my brain's coping mechanism. I'd forget my mom was gone - I'd pick up my phone to go text her or call her, over and over again reliving that she was gone. But it wasn't just remembering she wasn't here anymore - for me, it was replaying the night she died. First piece of information all the way through the first 48 hours... Every visual, every phone call, text - all of it. My brain was playing it as if it was a movie and I was viewing it 3rd person. This is where EMDR was absolutely life changing.

**trigger warning for the next paragraph

** Last August I began EMDR therapy to help reduce the trauma associated with my mom's death. The moment my dad called me on August 30, 2024 all the way through the viewing at the funeral home the next day... I could see everything. For the purpose of this blog post, I'm choosing to leave out more specific details, but wanted to continue being authentic and raw about my grief journey.

My mom was in her happy place, our family beach home in Westerly. She was with my father and my godparents - their best friends. They had a perfect night. Take out from her favorite Chinese food restaurant, a walk on the beach - chatting and catching up, to sitting on the front porch in her favorite rocking chair. She started to not feel well, went to lay down, and within an hour that was it. I got a call from my dad to come to the beach house. I saw her on the floor, her favorite blanket covering her. My grandparents coming in the middle of the night. My dad and I sitting on the couch, holding each other. My brother coming in from NY at 4am. Nobody getting a minute of sleep for about 36+ hours. The family assembling again in the morning, visiting the funeral home, and a "formal" viewing. Our exhausted trip from RI to CT.

This continuously was on repeat in my mind. Every time I would momentarily forget...my brain would replay from start to finish, every single traumatic detail. Can you imagine how crippling that would be? For a while I felt numb. I couldn't understand how I was waking up everyday going to work. Socializing. Going about my everyday life as if nothing had changed to the outside world. While inside, I felt nothing. I couldn't understand the purpose, the point. And if I'm being honest - I still wonder this at times. But I didn't want to live like this forever. I began to separate in my brain the trauma - first 48 hours - from my grief - the rest of my life. I felt like my brain needed to process these together of course, but also separately.

Through EMDR, I was able to process this in a safe space, utilize strategies and trust my therapist to guide me through this. I can say gratefully that after a few sessions, I could no longer replay the visualizations. EMDR removed the trauma from my grief, not the memory. You see, my therapist was incredibly considerate in recognizing that losing my mother is a part of my story. The idea isn't to forget or erase, but rather to improve your quality of life by decreasing the level of trauma and bodily reaction associated with a memory. I still attend EMDR weekly, a year later. So this isn't to say you can go to EMDR once and be rid of all your trauma! I made a choice to dive deeper into many areas of my life, to heal wounds and continue my journey of growth. I have a very analytical brain (hence the profession I went into!) and while this is an asset in many opportunities, it can also cause my brain to perseverate until I know all the facts (or as many as possible). Because I wasn't there for all of it, I felt like my brain was trying to fill in gaps from the first few hours leading up to and soon after my mom passed. My dad has been incredibly supportive with my wanting to know more - he's shared stories of their past, my mom's old scrapbooks and notes, helping me learn more about who she was outside of her role as a mother. I asked him to attend a therapy session with me to help me collect more facts, or at least make sure I had the facts straight. Again - leaving out these details, but after this session I felt as though I could leave the trauma behind me. I haven't thought about the first 48 hours again since, I haven't had any resurgence of the visualizations, and I have felt lighter. Of course I still will process the grief component for the rest of my life, but to be able to move forward from the trauma is again another life changing step for me.

I don't share this in hopes of a pity party or for people to worry about my mental well-being. I'm truly in such a healthier mindset now than I ever have been. I also am more comfortable and confident in my village that if I need help/support, I promise I will ask. I'm so incredibly grateful to have friends, family, and wellness professionals that are there for me at all hours, are incredibly reliable, and are nonjudgmental. It's the most important part of my healing journey, and aligns with the word I chose for 2026 - authentic. I have surrounded myself with people who I can confidently be 100% authentically me and know they will always be there for me, no matter what.