The Do's and Don'ts - an opinionated insight into the nuisances of grief

I was talking in therapy the other night about how there are so many nuisances to grief that you don't really, truly understand until you've experienced a deep significant loss yourself. Things that people mean well by, but in my experience frustrate the griever or elicit other emotions. Things that, as the griever, we often respond with a soft, generic response knowing they meant well and were trying to help, but silently reflect on the truth. The quote above came across my instagram feed the other night from one of my favorite grief pages @prettypainfulgriefbook. One phrase I hear often said to grievers is "it's okay to be happy." And yes - totally agree, but I think the level or depth of that happiness is forever changed. I think about this often - will I ever be able to feel 100% pure authentic joy again? The thought in the back of my head when sharing a positive statement always is followed by "but my mom wasn't here to experience it with me" ... forever bringing down the moment even just a smidge. A phrase I say often now is "two things can be true" because yes, I can feel authentic joy, but I can also be sad my mom isn't here with me for it. One does not negate the other, and learning to live with this mindset, well, it's a learning curve for sure. Some days it comes more naturally than others.

Which leads me to the next common phrase... "they're still with you" or "they're not gone, they're with you everyday" ... "they're just with you in a different way now." I'll be the first to admit this was a phrase prior to my loss I said often - I believe in spirit, I believe in something else (what that is, well that's another post in and of itself) so previously I truly did think it would bring comfort in knowing that a loved one was still spiritually with you. And while I do believe in this, often in the moments when a griever says "I wish they were here" or "I can't believe they won't be here for xyz" and someone responds with "well they will be, just in a different way" - in my experience it's usually not the response we're looking for. It's okay to sit in the disappointment with us. To simply say "I know, that really sucks. I can't imagine what that must feel like... but I'm here for you." While yes, they're with us spiritually, it's not the same...and it never will be. Someday when I have children, knowing my mother will be looking over me is one thing...but all she wanted was to be a stay at home grandma haha and I can't help but think how unfair this world is that she was deprived of that experience. So no - it's not the same. Her looking over me vs playing with and nurturing my future children are two very drastically different experiences.

Another phrase I lived by - even had a bracelet with the phrase - is "everything happens for a reason".... this one... this one seems to really irk a lot of people, and I understand why! Not everything happens for a reason. Not everything has rationale, an explanation. Some things just happen, and they suck, and they change your life forever. Some difficult experiences, sure, can happen for a reason. My divorce for example - I'm grateful for this experience. I needed to be hurt as badly as I was because the empath in me was continuously utilized as a crutch. It forced me to wake up, to become the most independent version of myself, in fact to actually discover who I was as an individual. It put me on a healing path to become the version of myself I always knew I was deep down inside. And because of it, I've crossed paths with some of the most incredible people - my people. But for what reason did my mother need to die? She had the best day, the absolutely perfect day. She was in her favorite place, with some of her favorite people, about to celebrate my 30th birthday with our family. For what reason was that taken from her? My brother had just gotten engaged - she wasn't physically here for his wedding. For what reason? I think you get the point - there is none. Like I said... some things just happen, and they suck, and we're forever changed.

"It'll get better with time" or "Time will fix it" are two I've heard, less directly, but more from conversations with other grievers. Time doesn't make it better, it just changes. Grief will never fully go away - it's an extension of our love. As more time passes, I don't miss my mom less. But I do find that it's changed shape. Someone early in my grief journey explained it as a ball inside a glass.

Our grief doesn't shrink... our world around it just shifts as time continues on.

"Let me know if you need anything" is another one of the most common phrases where the person means well, but it's such a difficult question to hear as the griever. Most of the time we don't even know what we need. Something you can do instead is just do it - whatever you think the person may want or need, just do it. Cook them a meal and deliver it without expectation of a visit. Tell them a day you are going to bring by takeout and sit with them to let them cry it out. Plan a day out of the house to distract them with something they'd love. Making decisions is one of the hardest things when you're first grieving and when the waves hit. Removing the decision piece will mean so much more to them than whatever it is you do for them!

I'm sure there are other things that are more specific to each griever that can be difficult to hear, and probably many common threads within this topic. My best piece of advice is to just have honest conversations! Ask someone if there's anything that triggers them related to their grief. Grievers, tell someone if they say something unintentionally that hurts. The biggest take away is to just talk... talk about the loved ones who are gone. Ask grievers about them, what their favorite things were, their favorite memory, literally anything. We don't always want to be the ones to bring up our passed loved ones and it usually hits close to home when someone else brings them up.